Because I'm going to need to explain when I go:
I am completely unstable.
I go from temporarily cheerful to immediately bursting into tears...tears which never lasts more than an hour.
I'll be depressed for anywhere from a few hours to an entire day, incapable of feeling any emotion, and suddenly I'll be irritable and get unreasonably angry at the smallest of things.
I cannot take criticism, even when it's constructive. I cannot take it even when it's a "joke" in the form of criticism. If someone corrects me, then I cry. If someone implies that I lack knowledge about something, then I cry (even when it's valid). If someone makes an accurate statement about my personality, like that I'm incessantly sarcastic, then I cry. Compliments register to me as criticism as well. I always think that the person is only complimenting me because they pity me or are trying to give me an artificial confidence boost. Compliments have made me cry.
I'm terrified of being abandoned. I only have one stable relationship in my life, and I'm terrified of losing it on a daily basis. I think about it constantly. I think about the fact that I cannot understand why someone would want anything to do with me, and I convince myself that soon everyone will realize that they don't want anything to do with me. My relationship with my parents is nonexistent. We get along only because we don't talk about anything that isn't absolutely banal, like food (and talk of food, of course, either makes me angry or makes me cry).
While I loathe myself, I love myself. I am narcissistic. I want all eyes on me at all times. When eyes aren't on me--when I'm not the center of attention--I freak out. I act for this reason. I pretend to be extraverted for this reason. I'm obsessed with my physical image for this reason. People often tell me that I have no "filter" (which, of course, makes me cry). They use the word "filter" to describe the social tool that most have to keep themselves from saying everything that pops into their heads. I don't have this. Every thought immediately in my mind escapes through my mouth. I talk people's heads off.
Because I do this, I'm often ignored. People rarely deign to respond to anything I say. I feel ignored by everyone, and whether it's imagined or not is irrelevant, I think. It is how I feel, which seems to be important.
Sometimes I feel as though I don't exist. There is no "me." My sense of self is erratic at best. I change who I want to be very often, and I rarely have a grasp of "who I am." I have been saying that my entire life. I feel as though I have no personality; everything is a performance--a different character I can choose to be at will.
I envy others an unhealthy amount. I often idealize one person at a time and become obsessed with them. If I pursue friendships with them, I become very attached and feel worthless if they ever cease to give me attention. I base my self-worth on the opinions of those whom I've idealized. If someone I obsess over seems not to care about me, I feel (insincere) suicidal impulses. After the impulses subside, I decide that I hate that person. I hate them with an extreme intensity on par with the intensity with which I "loved" them.
I have no real fears, but I have extreme anxiety. It sets in without any apparent cause, and I am prone to anxiety attacks. My anxiety appears especially at night when I try to fall asleep. I am not afraid of the dark, I am not afraid of nightmares, and I am not afraid *of* sleep. I'm afraid *to* sleep.
I drink daily. I drive drunk often. I don't wear my seat-belt. I smoke cigarettes. I hit myself with objects. I pick at my skin. I starve myself. I make myself throw up. These are my "self-harm behaviours." I have only cut myself a handful of times in my life. I only cut when I am in an incredible rage (never when I'm sad; only when I'm angry). I do it with dull objects and tear at my skin until it is shredded without bleeding. I would never leave scars. I feel as though I'm too good for scars. I cannot appear imperfect in any way. I scarred myself once, with a burn, and cried for days over the fact that I would have an imperfection for the rest of my life.
I snap at everyone. I impulsively lash out and later feel ashamed. I say things without thinking. I do things without thinking. I am a bitch.
I think of suicide, and I threaten suicide often, but I have never had legitimate suicidal thoughts. I don't really want to die. I love(hate) myself too much to allow myself permanent nonexistence.
The old saying goes "crawl in a hole and don't come out until things are better." I feel as though I (my identity, ME) have done that in a metaphorical way. There is an empty shell going through the motions, existing, until "things get better." Then I can come out. Then I can have a sense of self. Then I can be someone.
I go from temporarily cheerful to immediately bursting into tears...tears which never lasts more than an hour.
I'll be depressed for anywhere from a few hours to an entire day, incapable of feeling any emotion, and suddenly I'll be irritable and get unreasonably angry at the smallest of things.
I cannot take criticism, even when it's constructive. I cannot take it even when it's a "joke" in the form of criticism. If someone corrects me, then I cry. If someone implies that I lack knowledge about something, then I cry (even when it's valid). If someone makes an accurate statement about my personality, like that I'm incessantly sarcastic, then I cry. Compliments register to me as criticism as well. I always think that the person is only complimenting me because they pity me or are trying to give me an artificial confidence boost. Compliments have made me cry.
I'm terrified of being abandoned. I only have one stable relationship in my life, and I'm terrified of losing it on a daily basis. I think about it constantly. I think about the fact that I cannot understand why someone would want anything to do with me, and I convince myself that soon everyone will realize that they don't want anything to do with me. My relationship with my parents is nonexistent. We get along only because we don't talk about anything that isn't absolutely banal, like food (and talk of food, of course, either makes me angry or makes me cry).
While I loathe myself, I love myself. I am narcissistic. I want all eyes on me at all times. When eyes aren't on me--when I'm not the center of attention--I freak out. I act for this reason. I pretend to be extraverted for this reason. I'm obsessed with my physical image for this reason. People often tell me that I have no "filter" (which, of course, makes me cry). They use the word "filter" to describe the social tool that most have to keep themselves from saying everything that pops into their heads. I don't have this. Every thought immediately in my mind escapes through my mouth. I talk people's heads off.
Because I do this, I'm often ignored. People rarely deign to respond to anything I say. I feel ignored by everyone, and whether it's imagined or not is irrelevant, I think. It is how I feel, which seems to be important.
Sometimes I feel as though I don't exist. There is no "me." My sense of self is erratic at best. I change who I want to be very often, and I rarely have a grasp of "who I am." I have been saying that my entire life. I feel as though I have no personality; everything is a performance--a different character I can choose to be at will.
I envy others an unhealthy amount. I often idealize one person at a time and become obsessed with them. If I pursue friendships with them, I become very attached and feel worthless if they ever cease to give me attention. I base my self-worth on the opinions of those whom I've idealized. If someone I obsess over seems not to care about me, I feel (insincere) suicidal impulses. After the impulses subside, I decide that I hate that person. I hate them with an extreme intensity on par with the intensity with which I "loved" them.
I have no real fears, but I have extreme anxiety. It sets in without any apparent cause, and I am prone to anxiety attacks. My anxiety appears especially at night when I try to fall asleep. I am not afraid of the dark, I am not afraid of nightmares, and I am not afraid *of* sleep. I'm afraid *to* sleep.
I drink daily. I drive drunk often. I don't wear my seat-belt. I smoke cigarettes. I hit myself with objects. I pick at my skin. I starve myself. I make myself throw up. These are my "self-harm behaviours." I have only cut myself a handful of times in my life. I only cut when I am in an incredible rage (never when I'm sad; only when I'm angry). I do it with dull objects and tear at my skin until it is shredded without bleeding. I would never leave scars. I feel as though I'm too good for scars. I cannot appear imperfect in any way. I scarred myself once, with a burn, and cried for days over the fact that I would have an imperfection for the rest of my life.
I snap at everyone. I impulsively lash out and later feel ashamed. I say things without thinking. I do things without thinking. I am a bitch.
I think of suicide, and I threaten suicide often, but I have never had legitimate suicidal thoughts. I don't really want to die. I love(hate) myself too much to allow myself permanent nonexistence.
The old saying goes "crawl in a hole and don't come out until things are better." I feel as though I (my identity, ME) have done that in a metaphorical way. There is an empty shell going through the motions, existing, until "things get better." Then I can come out. Then I can have a sense of self. Then I can be someone.
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