I threw myself on a blow-up mattress.
He rubbed my back (he is not blood-related, and he’s hot, so this was erotic)
He told me that my mother would probably be able to help me better than him.
He told my mother about it.
she talked to me about it and I was mortified. I didn’t want that.
Never. She could never know. would I have to go to treatment? How do
people tell theit parents about their own issues? Would my dad find out? (he did)
Lots of other really neat things happened but that part is most important part.
When I woke up I was crying, and I thought, “Wait. That wasn’t a
dream. That really happened. Oh god that was two days ago and that
really happened and now I’m in my bed but I swear that was real oh my
god can’t it be a dream why can’t this be a dream this can’t be real”
it wasn’t real.
but I didn’t realize that or remember it until five minutes ago
but it was a...good...nightmare. wow. survival dream. ultimate fucking survival dreams with characters that ought to be in a badass movie. in fact, the entire dream was incredibly cinematic. I remember almost every detail.
the end of the world was nigh we had to beat out the wooden deck so we could hide under in the murkiness hannah went to the salon and no one was there so she cut her own hair there were weird things happening with the sky, the fire, I REFUSED to believe it was ending and I kept asking Gabe and Christian if they believed it and they said yes. I asked why and they said that there was nothing else to explain the weird things that has happened; also, people around the world had grown unresponsive aka we couldn't contact them so they must have been dead, right? there was the girl and she was married to the leader and she was so so so evil but I loved her, she was smart. she fucked the leader's dad and he was SO ANGRY. she had something you put on your phone that could end all communication with everyone and she put it on my phone and made me press it so everyone thought I was the malicious one here. I decided that I wanted to live through my death, stay awake and active through every second of it, and I asked Christian and Gabe if they wanted to as well, but no, they wanted to hide under the deck in the murkiness with everyone else to talk. why? so I made plans to leave with two gay guys who wanted to do the same thing, and I had a beautiful thought about the earth destroying humans that I bet this exact fucking thing has happened before and I looked up at the sky and it was so strange and beautiful. my dad and brother were dead and I said that I would say goodbye to my mom but then I was leaving, I did NOT BELIEVE the world was really going to end. Gabe said that if I stayed awake through it then it would probably be instant death and my eyes would just shut. I figured that if that was the case, then I wouldn't know any better, so I started to leave and...
I'm in a car. My little brother is in the back seat. There is snow outside and sticking on the window and my mom says in her soothing voice "...sheldon, did you know that in the heart of the U.S. there is a twinkling little town. It's in Texas, and it's called America..."
My mom was pregnant, and her belly was stretched and translucent and I could see the baby quite clearly; it was a girl. Later she was born and was named Nathalia. I think. Something between Nadia and Natasha, so we'll go with Nathalia.
What happened just before she was born is what's important.
it was in little contact lense-shaped bowls, and it was a liquid that you just drank.
As I lay down, I felt an immediate rush forward into space, like my body was a freight train or spaceship. It was an intense buzz, and it felt so physically real...more real than any of my lucid dreams have been.
Next I remember smiling, embracing everything, not scared at all like I usually am.
There was a black screen, and this weird white simple-line-drawn cartoon guy was moving across it like one of those tiny flipbooks.
He was important; he was showing me something.
I got up then (not really, but I imagined myself getting up...within the dream...this is all getting a little meta) and went to an imagined mirror, and saw myself, and decided to look into my eyes. I got as close as possible, and some weird thin ray of light directed my line of sight and I looked into myself, and suddenly I lost all sense of identity; the mirror-me became me, and the real me became the mirror, and what I saw when I looked into those pupils was something I will never, ever be able to describe in human terms.
penn badgley (weird)
the attraction that never came to fruition
the spaceship. a shimmering silver ball
they lost us. it was malicious. we hurdled into space with no way to get back,
an endless journey into nothingness
the boy was scared. (who was he?)
sofia with her boyish blonde hair, an ominous presence in every scene
like at the graveyard
the gang. they weren't good.
sofia stood and watched.
last night's...will have to come back to me. i've lost all of it, but it will come back, i'm sure
I'm not at all unfamiliar with dreams of him. He is mine, I know I'll meet him someday; he looks the same every time.
I HAD to get pregnant; I can't remember why. It had something to do with four prisoners and some scheme, some escape? (this part was VERY elaborate and amazing and important, but I cannot remember, unfortunately. I think that we had to kill the prisoners, at least)
and when I had him, I cried. not a good cry. a cry for my youth and for the life i had envisioned for myself.
and so, I sought to give him away. I DID give him away. and with that, I also cried, because I knew HE WAS MINE and I have dreamed about him so many times and giving him away meant never loving another as much as him.
it also scares me because I lose him or he gets taken or I give him away every time
i remember asking "what if my next one is defective? what if there's something wrong with it? he was PERFECT"
I also know that I gave him away because He wouldn't want him. he would leave me if i didn't.
that then dissolved, though it kept the same setting, and became one of my mother
she needed some sort of transplant--a heart transplant, I think, but it became a full-body transplant. there was a hospital and a machine, and the machine bore the image of her, and she was able to talk to me through it although the transplant was not complete
i kept guessing the next thing she was going to say, which somehow was a sort of test to make sure it really was her. it was far more surreal than i could ever explain in words (at least English words, which sound so plain and this was so. not. plain.)
the transplant must have been complete because later she came to me in a completely different form, but I recognized her as "mom."
I tried to get pregnant again, but it ended before I could witness the fruits of my efforts.
there was a lake, and a house, and so many people...but all of that is gone.
Dylan (the major theme)
the pool (black water)
my dress (solid black along my sides, but completely see-through everywhere else. my ass and tits were there for everyone to see, and it felt amazing rather than embarrassing or shameful or invasive)
Iowa, the asian boy who Dylan became as time passed
My dad died, and that's really all I remember now, thought yesterday I know I remembered far more than that. I sobbed and sobbed but didn't actually feel the sadness that I would feel in waking life. I wonder if I can feel sadness in dreams? I'll watch out for it.
there was taking a hit of a spliff and having a strange, instant high. I walked around and up a small hill and looked at the trees and the school. It felt really great. But it was also very, very different from a high in "real" life.
there was also a table. a dinner table. mom, dad, sheldon. eating food and deciding what to choose for the hanging television above us. I said The Skin I Live In, which my mother had seen. She was horrified; it was the most evil movie she had ever seen, she said, and she turned it off less than halfway through. I started to defend it, saying it was "Grossly disturbing" (a good thing) and "really well done," but when the dismay spread across their faces I decided to pretend that I was confused, that I was actually thinking of The Thin Red Line, not The Skin I Live In.
at the same dinner but what felt years later, I called my dad out on his racism. I screamed at him, I said "fucking" for the first time.
the next part can only be described in fragments of thoughts.
the controller, the two prongs, held up to our eyes, the intense shock...it wasn't as bad as you anticipated when they held it up to your eyes
regular school-like things. gabe missed a quiz. i was failing my classes. who cares
needed to use the shower but the girls were tanning (???)
had to say goodbye...there was a baby (whose?)...goodbye felt bad.
We'll start with last night. Better ones have been had, but I want to start fresh.
I remember leaving him. I had a real good reason I'm sure. But the thing I most remember was the relief I felt. The excitement; I could do anything. A wave of possibilities passed over me, and I smiled.
We were...in the room. With the couches. They became them; somehow. It didn't last forever. We just avoided them until they were done. Their faces were the worst. Skeletal and rotting. But Christian turned and...we couldn't wait. I shoved a wooden spoon through his face. Yeah.
PCP. A purple ring...she licked it. Meth. PCP. Meth.