The kiss was forced out of me.
We sat there in your ugly silver car, both silent, for moments. Then you locked your doors.
Inside I was rolling my eyes, but instead I smiled sheepishly, because
I knew that I was supposed to.
I bit my lip and didn't say a word.
In my head, I saw myself punching you in the face, unlocking the doors, running to my car, and driving off to never speak to you again.
I didn't do that.
You said, "Well,"
and I said it back.
I knew what I was supposed to do. I knew that life would have to go on and that I would have to do this at some point, probably time and time again, and I wasn't going to be able to wait around forever. It would happen sooner or later, and probably while drunk.
Had I forgotten that he came back to me just hours earlier?
I must have.
Or maybe I didn't believe him when he said that he wanted it again.
Or maybe it was because he told me what he'd done and with whom and
I felt like I had to add blame to myself.
Whatever the reason was, it was there.
So I did it.
The kiss was forced out of me, yes.
But I initiated it.
I leaned over and thought that it would be innocent.
It wasn't.
Your body reacted as if you'd been resuscitated with a jolt of electricity; you grabbed me and touched me everywhere, frantically and awkwardly. Your nails dug into my ass. You rubbed your palms over my shorts and the zipper poked my skin. It hurt.
I knew that it was supposed to feel good, but it didn't. It felt like nothing. Inside I was still rolling my eyes, the whole time; as you bit my lips and sucked on my tongue, all that I felt was embarrassment. Shame for picking such a bad kisser, even though we both know that I didn't pick you at all.
I never liked you, but I thought that I was supposed to.
I abruptly pulled away, fed up with my asexuality.
I unlocked the doors, ran to my car, and drove off without a word.
"Sorry for leaving like that. I just had to go."
"That's okay. It made it so much hotter."
More eye-rolling.
Disgust.
And that was it.
That was the only other experience I've had.
After that, would I want any others?
We sat there in your ugly silver car, both silent, for moments. Then you locked your doors.
Inside I was rolling my eyes, but instead I smiled sheepishly, because
I knew that I was supposed to.
I bit my lip and didn't say a word.
In my head, I saw myself punching you in the face, unlocking the doors, running to my car, and driving off to never speak to you again.
I didn't do that.
You said, "Well,"
and I said it back.
I knew what I was supposed to do. I knew that life would have to go on and that I would have to do this at some point, probably time and time again, and I wasn't going to be able to wait around forever. It would happen sooner or later, and probably while drunk.
Had I forgotten that he came back to me just hours earlier?
I must have.
Or maybe I didn't believe him when he said that he wanted it again.
Or maybe it was because he told me what he'd done and with whom and
I felt like I had to add blame to myself.
Whatever the reason was, it was there.
So I did it.
The kiss was forced out of me, yes.
But I initiated it.
I leaned over and thought that it would be innocent.
It wasn't.
Your body reacted as if you'd been resuscitated with a jolt of electricity; you grabbed me and touched me everywhere, frantically and awkwardly. Your nails dug into my ass. You rubbed your palms over my shorts and the zipper poked my skin. It hurt.
I knew that it was supposed to feel good, but it didn't. It felt like nothing. Inside I was still rolling my eyes, the whole time; as you bit my lips and sucked on my tongue, all that I felt was embarrassment. Shame for picking such a bad kisser, even though we both know that I didn't pick you at all.
I never liked you, but I thought that I was supposed to.
I abruptly pulled away, fed up with my asexuality.
I unlocked the doors, ran to my car, and drove off without a word.
"Sorry for leaving like that. I just had to go."
"That's okay. It made it so much hotter."
More eye-rolling.
Disgust.
And that was it.
That was the only other experience I've had.
After that, would I want any others?
there are better.
ReplyDeletemuch better,
xo