Wednesday, January 4, 2017

I was at
Rich people, huge huge house, babysitting their son while they were gone for a weekend or something.
[other stuff concerning this babysitting weekend/the son that I don't remember]

Went somewhere with heidi and realized that I had taken the rich people's car instead of my own (I didn't have mine because I left it _____). There's
One of the party favors I get is weird. There are these boxes and in them is a trinket and a perfume. They are sort of Alice themed; plain colors and text, and no pictures, but they seemed Alice themed because the first one I noticed said something about losing your mind.

We want to go home, but can't find the car.
I remember where I parked it and am very nervous it got towed.
We're walking back and there is this guy; heidi knows his name, I know who he is but I can't remember, and it turns out he was looking for me and MY car (didn't realize that I had taken the nice car). He asks if he can borrow it because he has something he needs to do LIKE NOW.
(note: later in the dream, I can't remember how or why, but we watch THIS GUY'S memory of what that situation was from his perspective, which is cool. He has a face on the back of his head, which is important somehow, but also can't remember this)

Somehow we arrive back at the house. I yell at colleen for wanting to go home without helping everyone else clean up. Then I remember the countless times she took out the trash/recycling and I never helped her, lol oops! So I feel bad. And dumb.

There is something horrific on the TV. Something happened to a little girl named Nancy, and there is a documentary about her. We don't watch it, but Heidi starts talking about the Aliens and Galactic War and future of earth and she's sort of preaching it at someone, which is abnormal, and Alan says, "Heidi. Stop. Heidi please, chill" while pointing at the TV screen. "Stop staring at the screen." I look and every time Heidi's voice raises, the TV which is turned OFF flashes back on for a second to show a picture of Nancy and her Mom.

There's commotion about a guy who stole a boat (the place we're at is suddenly a cool wooden porch on a beach mansion, right) so we're looking at the boat and we find out...something...about the guy that makes me realize he's going to kill himself. Everyone is watching, videotaping, laughing, and the guy stops the boat and stands up and I know he's going to do something weird, like maybe jump?
I look away for a bit because I notice a person to my left (whom I know) is doing something very creepy...he has hundreds of pictures of peoples faces (candid) that he's editing, including the boat guy who he now informs me killed a girl by slashing her neck. I can't stop looking at boat guy and I know that somehow this is going to draw his attention to me.

Lo and behold, I'm in a room with someone and boat guy is there. I notice a knife behind his back. The other person gets away, which hardly mattered because he was coming for me anyway. I scream and scream at Heidi and Alan, who are in the next room, but no one comes to help me. I actually wonder if this is a test LOL. Turns out whether or not it is a test, there is DEFINITELY a guy I need to kill before he kills me (oop)

Somehow I get the knife away from him, or maybe get my own, and I get him in a position where I can kill him. I slice the knife across his neck but it isn't hard enough, it barely cuts him on the surface, and he mocks me(?) and tells me I have to really mean it. So I press really, really, really fucking hard. It's visceral as it tears his neck open and I don't even look, I can feel it, and I don't stop to watch him die (weird thought, because I don't know why I would wanna do that).

I run out of the room kinda bloody and I say "I killed him. I killed a person" and somehow get the point across that it was "self defense" but Heidi looks at me kind of...annoyed? disappointed?
I'm very upset now about ending a human life without thinking over other options first. I ask Heidi why she is upset, ask her if I should have just let him kill me. She says, "Well, in my opinion you shouldn't kill a person. And if he had killed you, that's kind of the beauty of the way life works; you would have been better off in the end."

I think about karmically how that makes sense, I guess, lol(?) and get more and more upset with myself for taking someone's life. I wonder if it was self-defense at all, retrospectively, and someone tells me I need to go outside and call the cops now. The weirdest thing is that the body is now my cat's body (Irwin), I guess because I can't deal with seeing the human body of someone I killed....(ohhhhhhhh shittttt).

Suddenly I'm outside and I'm in my underwear but my top and bra are off and I freak out and think about how I can't talk to the cops like that, but I don't know where my clothes are. I want a cigarette SO BADLY but I don't have any because they had all spilled through the cracks in the wooden stairs earlier in the dream.


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