Sunday, November 11, 2012

Okay, so...the night before last's

My dad died, and that's really all I remember now, thought yesterday I know I remembered far more than that. I sobbed and sobbed but didn't actually feel the sadness that I would feel in waking life. I wonder if I can feel sadness in dreams? I'll watch out for it.

Last night...
there was taking a hit of a spliff and having a strange, instant high. I walked around and up a small hill and looked at the trees and the school. It felt really great. But it was also very, very different from a high in "real" life.

there was also a table. a dinner table. mom, dad, sheldon. eating food and deciding what to choose for the hanging television above us. I said The Skin I Live In, which my mother had seen. She was horrified; it was the most evil movie she had ever seen, she said, and she turned it off less than halfway through. I started to defend it, saying it was "Grossly disturbing" (a good thing) and "really well done," but when the dismay spread across their faces I decided to pretend that I was confused, that I was actually thinking of The Thin Red Line, not The Skin I Live In.

at the same dinner but what felt years later, I called my dad out on his racism. I screamed at him, I said "fucking" for the first time.

the next part can only be described in fragments of thoughts.
the controller, the two prongs, held up to our eyes, the intense shock...it wasn't as bad as you anticipated when they held it up to your eyes

regular school-like things. gabe missed a quiz. i was failing my classes. who cares

needed to use the shower but the girls were tanning (???)

had to say goodbye...there was a baby (whose?)...goodbye felt bad.

the end.

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